Erica, as someone who’s agreed with you on this from day one and does this work on a daily basis, I sympathize with your frustration. Some days I want to tear my hair out and just throw in the towel. But in the end, I try to find grace for voters across the political spectrum, left and right alike. We are all being manipulated by conflict entrepreneurs who, for the sake of power and profit, have harnessed human psychology to the detriment of the public interest. When I talk with voters on the left I’ve learned I need to employ all the same Smart Politics persuasive practices that I use when talking with voters on the right to get them to a place where they can really hear my message, and even then it can take months before they internalize the concepts you and I teach. So far, the best way I’ve found to keep my sanity is to work with others who share these goals in the SP Support and Practice Group. It helps me keep my spirits up even when the going is slow.
Aw. Wish you were still in Berkeley so I could give you a hug. Bob (my spouse) continually tells me that my job is just telling people to eat their vegetables. They already know they should do that, but they keep eating junk food instead because it tastes better. Also, this reminds me of what a therapist once told me during my training: Being a therapist is basically having patients come to you all day saying "I'm thirsty" and then pointing out that there's a water glass sitting right next to them. They take a drink, say that's good, and then do the same thing all over again next week, forgetting that they can sate their own thirst anytime with another sip of water. They have to go through that process hundreds of times before the connection between thirst and water begins to sink in. That's why therapy takes so long.
This. 95% of our political beliefs are determined by our social context and community. If I woke up every morning and my "newsfeed" (real or metaphorical) was wall-to-wall Woke I'd be Woke. If it was wall-to-wall MAGA I'd probably be MAGA, too.
I keep thinking of this line from the rock band Muse, from an album released circa Occupy: "Love is our resistance". Corny, I know. But I think it sums up the way I've been trying to approach politics. We are being manipulated into fighting over scraps while our social systems decay around us. It's only once we rediscover our commitment to each other that we will overcome.
Perhaps you read Matt Yglesias, who sensibly encourages the Dems to expand their big-tent and welcome those with different view points...and he's correct.
But I'm seeing the same vitriol and nastiness directed at those Others who are not good and don't vote the correct way. And so a minority party the Dems will remain.
Oh yeah, MattY 😉 “The left” wishes he would just die already! He faces vitriol from the edge of the “left” that would lead one to believe MattY and Noah Smith or Nate Silver were the devil incarnate 🤷🏽♂️
Thank you for this. The word that comes up for me is curiosity. There is an utter lack of curiosity on the part of the people who 'know better'. Growing up, it was the Moral Majority, for example, that lacked curiosity. It is currently my former party, The Democrats.
I see what you're saying. In my book, I was cautious about this but I've lapsed. Do you have ideas for what would be an effective way to hold the mirror up w/out antagonizing them?
This author never mentions Rogerian argument, and probably came up with these principles on her own. Nevertheless,this article covers everything I’ve ever learned about Rogerian argument, supplemented and enriched by Ms. Coleman’s experience and wit. She is wise, funny and skillful, with something to teach anyone who wants to persuade with integrity.
No mirror holding involved, literal or metaphorical, but these methods can persuade without it. Part of this method’s persuasiveness is that it requires you to recognize that your “opponent“ could be right about certain things.
Looks good but is paywalled. Thanks for holding the mirror to my holding the mirror to other people holding the mirror:-) It's a good reminder to rededicate myself to practicing what I preach.
really sorry you can’t see it, and don’t feel I can paste it in for you, because it isn’t mine. I thought there were limited Free viewings available even on paywalled medium essays.
Great article and right in line with what animates my own writing. I think what people so often forget—and this is unequivocally true of both sides—is that approaching political discussions with contempt, or a lack of curiosity for why your “opponents” believe what they do, isn’t just a questionable way to go about things morally—it doesn’t work. It puts us in this situation where parties win razor thin margins because they aren’t making—find themselves incapable of making—a sincere effort to win a material number of the other side’s voters. It isn’t enough to know why people believe what they believe—you need to try to figure out why they believe it in their own terms. I admittedly don’t have a ton of experience changing people’s minds, but I do have a lot with building and strengthening relationships across political divides, and I think that counts for something.
There is no way that privileged liberals will stop doing this. Their emotional satisfaction achieved through virtue signalling is more important than anything else, certainly more important than political effectiveness.
Erica, I've listened to your book a half dozen times. I find listening to books like yours makes it easier to react in a constructive way spontaneously when I'm in a conversation. So thank you. You are making an impact.
Now, a situation just came up on facebook where I have the time to think first and then write a response, and I thought it might be a good idea to run some ideas past you and your followers before committing to any particular approach. Maybe we could all learn something new in the process. Or be refreshed in the old.
I recently added a facebook friend, a playmate from grammar school days. His last few posts have been MAGA.
Ok.
But his last post was portraying an African American man with huge lips, and making fun of that. Here are some responses I have thought up, keeping PNDC in mind:
1. I didn't find that to be funny, myself.
2. What about that picture do you find humorous?
Any thoughts from anyone? I don't want to unfriend him, or be the woke police. But I don't want to ignore it.
When you were childhood friends, was there open racism in your community? Did you have any non-white friends in common? What exactly did he say in connection with the photo?
The subject of race never came up in our community, except on TV and in the news (this was 1959 to 1964). The only faintly political discussion I remember having with my friend and his older brother was spending about 30 seconds debating whether or not you go to hell when you die if you don't believe in Jesus (My brother and I thought not). Then back to playing "monster".
We were in a new subdivision of San Diego CA, all white, right across the freeway from an old mixed-race neighborhood where the paint on the buildings was beginning to peel. Our elementary school was clear about discouraging racism toward the very few Hispanic American kids in our school, but that was about it.
The photo my friend posted was of some black celebrity and his woman friend (who was also a celebrity). The caption was what it must look like to the woman to face him and kiss him, and then a fun hall mirror type picture that made the celebrity look like a fish, head on, with huge lips. One of his facebook friends joined in with a picture of a black man who looked like a fiendish vampire or something.
The brothers and their parents were really nice people in my experience No bullying.
I feel your frustration. I think part of the issue here is that liberal lefty types are highly educated, and it has been shown that educated people are particularly good at self-deception and thought errors. Perhaps because they are less humble and think that educational attainment = intellectual superiority. The degree divide is a psychological divider between them and trump supporters.
I struggle with this. I don't want to even engage because it's tiring. They insist that voting for Trump means you endorse literally everything he has done. But if you ask them about anything Dems have done, they will grant themselves endless slack for a 'nuanced opinion'. And, many of the complaints in the example are about his character rather than things he did in an official capacity. They are odious, yes. But when, for example, I and others correctly pointed out that Harris was picked for her race and gender or that Bill and Biden have been accused of sexual misconduct, it's conveniently swept under the rug to ensure that their ideological coherence is maintained at the cost of intellectual honesty. Same thing with the question of whether Harris benefited from her relationship with Willie Brown (obviously) and if Hillary was corrupted by her godlman sachs speeches (obviously).
Did not care about it (Clintonian misconduct) when it happened while wishing it did not!
It’s not Trumpian Frat boy peccadillos that make me skeptical of Trump.
That said, Clinton was, by and large, good for America. The biggest mistake of that era was the signing of China into the WTO; serious but well intentioned miscalculation
Time will tell if Trump is long term good or bad
Till recently I thought it was obvious; “Trump bad man”. Now while I don’t disagree that “Trump bad man”, I don’t know if that means he is bad for “the country” as a whole
You case will would be much stronger if you had shown a similar list of charges against Clinton or Biden like the first page you showed about Trump.
But you didn't. What anti-Trump people are noting is on a different level than what I saw with every previous Republican candidate since the 1980's or Democrats for that matter.
The example from the other side you comes from 2024. That is 9 years Trump started getting away with stuff that would disqualify earlier candidates. You don't think that behavior modeled by Trump wouldn't get picked up by other presidential candidates.
You think after we have a president doing the stuff Trump is doing we will go back to the sort of presidents we used to have? The horse has bolted, little late to close the door.
That is what those emotional outbursts are about incoherent as they seem. If we have another presidential election in this country (which I think is still likely) you mY see Trumpian behavior from the other side.
You do realize that it did not matter you you ran in 2016, you would have won and any other Republican would have won a second term. So we get stuck with Biden who would have lost to anyone other than Trump. So now Trump is back and we are where we are. God help us.
So you deal with this problem by telling liberals that they are all idiots for thinking these strategies will work. And then you wonder why that doesn’t change their minds.
I'm late to the party. Love this post, and agree with your frustration. I find myself regretting when I post snarky things similar to your examples. There is something cathartic in reposting memes, or writing up an article like this pointing out the error of people's ways. I think so many of us use social media, or writing, as an emotional outlet. And we use it as an outlet for our grief. That's what is often coming out. Grief in our despair at "the other side." Or rage instead of despair. Or frustration about "our own side" shooting ourselves in the foot with the contempt and superiority we so often post. We need better outlets for our grief, healthy ways to release our frustration so it doesn't come out in public arenas and hurt our causes even further.
Amen! I too am finding it harder and harder to restrain the impulse to be scornful and snarky, especially when it's my own team's missteps. I find myself putting in writing things I would never say in person. It's a struggle.
The struggle could not be MORE real! Surely we have an intrinsic need to let the grief out before it turns into contempt and resentment. Maybe we all need to spend more time screaming in the woods or going for a run before we sit down to write anything 😂
I am a Trump voter (not your audience, I know) who hust read this and this is what will happen on my part after reading. When I see your points, I will read them. When you ask questions in places I may comment, I will answer you politely. It's not really what you were going for overall, but I will do this nonetheless.
As an independent, conservative, I feel like a participating observer in the Roman arena. I get to watch the moral left, try to defend itself against the monsters of MAGA and not being able to figure what weapons will save them. It is ironic because the weapons they use are made of cardboard. They may scratch a few of the monsters but don’t realize they are not getting rid of them. The left stands on its moral high ground in the middle of the arena thinking the height protects. It’s pretty much a circus. The left is getting slaughtered and can’t comprehend why their goodness doesn’t defend them. All the while, more people enter the stands enjoying watching the righteous get their just rewards while being slaughtered because they can’t figure bc a better way to protect themselves. If they got off the mound and went to walls they could get metal weapons and more, but they won’t. MAGA is a shiny object used to distract the left and their righteousness while the rest of us insure the left stays in the arena being slaughtered and ineffective. Independents determine the outcome of elections and there are more of us everyday. I love the righteousness of the left. Blinders that could be removed but won’t be. It’s pathetic but entertaining for now. Did the Romans ever get tired of the arena? Nope. Not until their society collapsed. Meanwhile, we independents continue to strengthen our arena. Have to have our entertainment and control our elitist in one fell swoop. We will fight in the streets, breakout of the arena, stated the Dem leadership. Doesn’t matter where you fight if you don’t have the right weapons to win. Right now, you are weaponless and unable to comprehend cardboard weapons are not the answer. Pass the popcorn please. We need more sacrifices for the monsters in the arena, we are running low.
Erica, as someone who’s agreed with you on this from day one and does this work on a daily basis, I sympathize with your frustration. Some days I want to tear my hair out and just throw in the towel. But in the end, I try to find grace for voters across the political spectrum, left and right alike. We are all being manipulated by conflict entrepreneurs who, for the sake of power and profit, have harnessed human psychology to the detriment of the public interest. When I talk with voters on the left I’ve learned I need to employ all the same Smart Politics persuasive practices that I use when talking with voters on the right to get them to a place where they can really hear my message, and even then it can take months before they internalize the concepts you and I teach. So far, the best way I’ve found to keep my sanity is to work with others who share these goals in the SP Support and Practice Group. It helps me keep my spirits up even when the going is slow.
You and another reader prompted me to add a mea culpa up top.
Aw. Wish you were still in Berkeley so I could give you a hug. Bob (my spouse) continually tells me that my job is just telling people to eat their vegetables. They already know they should do that, but they keep eating junk food instead because it tastes better. Also, this reminds me of what a therapist once told me during my training: Being a therapist is basically having patients come to you all day saying "I'm thirsty" and then pointing out that there's a water glass sitting right next to them. They take a drink, say that's good, and then do the same thing all over again next week, forgetting that they can sate their own thirst anytime with another sip of water. They have to go through that process hundreds of times before the connection between thirst and water begins to sink in. That's why therapy takes so long.
On the brighter side, I do think the message is starting to break through to the higher ups in the party, albeit painfully slowly. See this from last month in the Atlantic: https://www.theatlantic.com/politics/archive/2024/12/democrats-need-change-minds/680950/
This. 95% of our political beliefs are determined by our social context and community. If I woke up every morning and my "newsfeed" (real or metaphorical) was wall-to-wall Woke I'd be Woke. If it was wall-to-wall MAGA I'd probably be MAGA, too.
I keep thinking of this line from the rock band Muse, from an album released circa Occupy: "Love is our resistance". Corny, I know. But I think it sums up the way I've been trying to approach politics. We are being manipulated into fighting over scraps while our social systems decay around us. It's only once we rediscover our commitment to each other that we will overcome.
Perhaps you read Matt Yglesias, who sensibly encourages the Dems to expand their big-tent and welcome those with different view points...and he's correct.
But I'm seeing the same vitriol and nastiness directed at those Others who are not good and don't vote the correct way. And so a minority party the Dems will remain.
Oh yeah, MattY 😉 “The left” wishes he would just die already! He faces vitriol from the edge of the “left” that would lead one to believe MattY and Noah Smith or Nate Silver were the devil incarnate 🤷🏽♂️
Thank you for this. The word that comes up for me is curiosity. There is an utter lack of curiosity on the part of the people who 'know better'. Growing up, it was the Moral Majority, for example, that lacked curiosity. It is currently my former party, The Democrats.
Be curious!
On this we totally agree!
Skipping over your first paragraph, in which you admit that you were being deliberately over snarky, you continue to be snarky in passages like this.
"“the Left” is so insulated inside its online bubble"
“most of America would like to throw {them} down an elevator shaft.”
"those same people continue to resort to preachiness, ridicule, and smug knowingness "
"Maybe being judgy, snarky and abrasive will make people like and admire us."
People don't enjoy being called snarky any more than they enjoy being called stupid.
I see what you're saying. In my book, I was cautious about this but I've lapsed. Do you have ideas for what would be an effective way to hold the mirror up w/out antagonizing them?
This author never mentions Rogerian argument, and probably came up with these principles on her own. Nevertheless,this article covers everything I’ve ever learned about Rogerian argument, supplemented and enriched by Ms. Coleman’s experience and wit. She is wise, funny and skillful, with something to teach anyone who wants to persuade with integrity.
No mirror holding involved, literal or metaphorical, but these methods can persuade without it. Part of this method’s persuasiveness is that it requires you to recognize that your “opponent“ could be right about certain things.
https://andreacoleman.medium.com/how-to-get-someone-to-change-their-mind-lessons-from-a-litigator-6152c2b96a0a
Looks good but is paywalled. Thanks for holding the mirror to my holding the mirror to other people holding the mirror:-) It's a good reminder to rededicate myself to practicing what I preach.
really sorry you can’t see it, and don’t feel I can paste it in for you, because it isn’t mine. I thought there were limited Free viewings available even on paywalled medium essays.
Great article and right in line with what animates my own writing. I think what people so often forget—and this is unequivocally true of both sides—is that approaching political discussions with contempt, or a lack of curiosity for why your “opponents” believe what they do, isn’t just a questionable way to go about things morally—it doesn’t work. It puts us in this situation where parties win razor thin margins because they aren’t making—find themselves incapable of making—a sincere effort to win a material number of the other side’s voters. It isn’t enough to know why people believe what they believe—you need to try to figure out why they believe it in their own terms. I admittedly don’t have a ton of experience changing people’s minds, but I do have a lot with building and strengthening relationships across political divides, and I think that counts for something.
There is no way that privileged liberals will stop doing this. Their emotional satisfaction achieved through virtue signalling is more important than anything else, certainly more important than political effectiveness.
Erica, I've listened to your book a half dozen times. I find listening to books like yours makes it easier to react in a constructive way spontaneously when I'm in a conversation. So thank you. You are making an impact.
Now, a situation just came up on facebook where I have the time to think first and then write a response, and I thought it might be a good idea to run some ideas past you and your followers before committing to any particular approach. Maybe we could all learn something new in the process. Or be refreshed in the old.
I recently added a facebook friend, a playmate from grammar school days. His last few posts have been MAGA.
Ok.
But his last post was portraying an African American man with huge lips, and making fun of that. Here are some responses I have thought up, keeping PNDC in mind:
1. I didn't find that to be funny, myself.
2. What about that picture do you find humorous?
Any thoughts from anyone? I don't want to unfriend him, or be the woke police. But I don't want to ignore it.
Thanks
When you were childhood friends, was there open racism in your community? Did you have any non-white friends in common? What exactly did he say in connection with the photo?
The subject of race never came up in our community, except on TV and in the news (this was 1959 to 1964). The only faintly political discussion I remember having with my friend and his older brother was spending about 30 seconds debating whether or not you go to hell when you die if you don't believe in Jesus (My brother and I thought not). Then back to playing "monster".
We were in a new subdivision of San Diego CA, all white, right across the freeway from an old mixed-race neighborhood where the paint on the buildings was beginning to peel. Our elementary school was clear about discouraging racism toward the very few Hispanic American kids in our school, but that was about it.
The photo my friend posted was of some black celebrity and his woman friend (who was also a celebrity). The caption was what it must look like to the woman to face him and kiss him, and then a fun hall mirror type picture that made the celebrity look like a fish, head on, with huge lips. One of his facebook friends joined in with a picture of a black man who looked like a fiendish vampire or something.
The brothers and their parents were really nice people in my experience No bullying.
I feel your frustration. I think part of the issue here is that liberal lefty types are highly educated, and it has been shown that educated people are particularly good at self-deception and thought errors. Perhaps because they are less humble and think that educational attainment = intellectual superiority. The degree divide is a psychological divider between them and trump supporters.
I struggle with this. I don't want to even engage because it's tiring. They insist that voting for Trump means you endorse literally everything he has done. But if you ask them about anything Dems have done, they will grant themselves endless slack for a 'nuanced opinion'. And, many of the complaints in the example are about his character rather than things he did in an official capacity. They are odious, yes. But when, for example, I and others correctly pointed out that Harris was picked for her race and gender or that Bill and Biden have been accused of sexual misconduct, it's conveniently swept under the rug to ensure that their ideological coherence is maintained at the cost of intellectual honesty. Same thing with the question of whether Harris benefited from her relationship with Willie Brown (obviously) and if Hillary was corrupted by her godlman sachs speeches (obviously).
Bill Clinton did a lot of things most lefties disapprove of, maybe even more than Trump has managed to pull off so far, but you don't see them berating Clinton voters. Freddie deBoer has a harrowing recap of Clinton's record here: https://freddiedeboer.substack.com/p/on-the-occasion-of-this-election?utm_source=publication-search
Did not care about it (Clintonian misconduct) when it happened while wishing it did not!
It’s not Trumpian Frat boy peccadillos that make me skeptical of Trump.
That said, Clinton was, by and large, good for America. The biggest mistake of that era was the signing of China into the WTO; serious but well intentioned miscalculation
Time will tell if Trump is long term good or bad
Till recently I thought it was obvious; “Trump bad man”. Now while I don’t disagree that “Trump bad man”, I don’t know if that means he is bad for “the country” as a whole
Dunno….
Clinton was what was possible.
You case will would be much stronger if you had shown a similar list of charges against Clinton or Biden like the first page you showed about Trump.
But you didn't. What anti-Trump people are noting is on a different level than what I saw with every previous Republican candidate since the 1980's or Democrats for that matter.
The example from the other side you comes from 2024. That is 9 years Trump started getting away with stuff that would disqualify earlier candidates. You don't think that behavior modeled by Trump wouldn't get picked up by other presidential candidates.
You think after we have a president doing the stuff Trump is doing we will go back to the sort of presidents we used to have? The horse has bolted, little late to close the door.
That is what those emotional outbursts are about incoherent as they seem. If we have another presidential election in this country (which I think is still likely) you mY see Trumpian behavior from the other side.
You do realize that it did not matter you you ran in 2016, you would have won and any other Republican would have won a second term. So we get stuck with Biden who would have lost to anyone other than Trump. So now Trump is back and we are where we are. God help us.
So you deal with this problem by telling liberals that they are all idiots for thinking these strategies will work. And then you wonder why that doesn’t change their minds.
What parts did you interpet as me telling liberals they're idiots?
Do you want a list or are you being snarky?
Nailed it.
I'm late to the party. Love this post, and agree with your frustration. I find myself regretting when I post snarky things similar to your examples. There is something cathartic in reposting memes, or writing up an article like this pointing out the error of people's ways. I think so many of us use social media, or writing, as an emotional outlet. And we use it as an outlet for our grief. That's what is often coming out. Grief in our despair at "the other side." Or rage instead of despair. Or frustration about "our own side" shooting ourselves in the foot with the contempt and superiority we so often post. We need better outlets for our grief, healthy ways to release our frustration so it doesn't come out in public arenas and hurt our causes even further.
Amen! I too am finding it harder and harder to restrain the impulse to be scornful and snarky, especially when it's my own team's missteps. I find myself putting in writing things I would never say in person. It's a struggle.
The struggle could not be MORE real! Surely we have an intrinsic need to let the grief out before it turns into contempt and resentment. Maybe we all need to spend more time screaming in the woods or going for a run before we sit down to write anything 😂
I am a Trump voter (not your audience, I know) who hust read this and this is what will happen on my part after reading. When I see your points, I will read them. When you ask questions in places I may comment, I will answer you politely. It's not really what you were going for overall, but I will do this nonetheless.
As an independent, conservative, I feel like a participating observer in the Roman arena. I get to watch the moral left, try to defend itself against the monsters of MAGA and not being able to figure what weapons will save them. It is ironic because the weapons they use are made of cardboard. They may scratch a few of the monsters but don’t realize they are not getting rid of them. The left stands on its moral high ground in the middle of the arena thinking the height protects. It’s pretty much a circus. The left is getting slaughtered and can’t comprehend why their goodness doesn’t defend them. All the while, more people enter the stands enjoying watching the righteous get their just rewards while being slaughtered because they can’t figure bc a better way to protect themselves. If they got off the mound and went to walls they could get metal weapons and more, but they won’t. MAGA is a shiny object used to distract the left and their righteousness while the rest of us insure the left stays in the arena being slaughtered and ineffective. Independents determine the outcome of elections and there are more of us everyday. I love the righteousness of the left. Blinders that could be removed but won’t be. It’s pathetic but entertaining for now. Did the Romans ever get tired of the arena? Nope. Not until their society collapsed. Meanwhile, we independents continue to strengthen our arena. Have to have our entertainment and control our elitist in one fell swoop. We will fight in the streets, breakout of the arena, stated the Dem leadership. Doesn’t matter where you fight if you don’t have the right weapons to win. Right now, you are weaponless and unable to comprehend cardboard weapons are not the answer. Pass the popcorn please. We need more sacrifices for the monsters in the arena, we are running low.
Sorry the truth hurts.